This was a different Christmas to say the least. Many things made it different and almost not real to me. I was in a bit of a funk the whole week of Christmas and still not sure if we even had Christmas.
1. When people asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year, I actually give them a list. The past few years I would tell them I didn't want anything and ask them to donate what they would spend on me to charity. I realized that a couple of days before Christmas after the presents had been bought. I've felt selfish and disappointed in myself ever since. I'll have to work that out with prayer.
2. My Dad passed away in September, so for the first time in my life I didn't see my Dad on Christmas. What a big hole in our day. Dad was the man, the glue, the strength of our family.
3. Christmas was not in Edgerton. In the last 56 years, it's been in Edgerton every time except maybe twice. It's not normal. I'd better get used to it though since Mom moved to Lakeside. She's still the main one we gather to see.
4. This is the really really good part of this different Christmas. Erica announce that she and Steve would be parents!!!! That means Wade will be an Uncle, Diana will become a grandma and I will become a grandpa!
Wade, Erica and Steve were here for about a week. The time went so fast. I hated to let them leave. When they live so far away, when you say good bye, you say good bye for a while. When they leave, you know you won't see them for a couple of months. It seems to get more depressing every time they leave. You want to be a bigger part of their lives, but that's difficult at best.
I think a lot of my feeling this year are part of my mourning for my Dad. I never really said good bye to him. I never knew how to talk to him unless it was business. That's all he ever wanted to talk about. Now I think about my own mortality. I would like to talk to my kids on their own terms, not mine. I just want to love them and help them when they want my help, not when I think they need my help or advice. I'm sure when winter is over I will feel better. Life has been very good to me. I am very thankful!